Where Is the Burning Candle?

Questions Not To Ask A Rocking Fossil Part 1.

This may run and run.  But we all start somewhere.  Examples such as “Would you like to see the wine list?” (Do people say no?).  and “Have you booked?” (Would I bother to be here if I hadn’t?) were too tedious to cover.

Today then the question is: Where is the burning candle?  Who knew life would hold such burning (forgive the repetition/irony/joke) questions?  Who knew an adult or even a late-teens nearly adult would need to ask?  I live with these rare (?) beasts.

In fact the original title of this post was:  Mum, Where is The Burning Candle?  That is too politically incorrect for now.  Discriminates against the non-mother to whom this story may apply or who may even be mildly interested in my story.  Which is fine.  So I won’t discriminate.  Anyone can ask you the question.  

Some might say you wouldn’t light a candle behind a curtain*, under a bed* or in a cupboard*. 

*Actually you can and you would and I have.  I had a Granny who really didn’t mind her grandchildren playing with matches behind the curtains with a candle. On the basis that we were careful and didn’t hurt ourselves and or her curtains.  And this was before flame retardant fabric.  And very brave.  I have leant out of bed and lit a candle.  Small room, it was there.  I did get up and move it though.  I have put a candle in a cupboard (to hide it) (contents of the ashtray it sat on) and having thought I had put it out left it there.  I did check when the prefect had gone though.

The point is I KNEW WHERE THE CANDLE WAS.  All the time.  And having lit it, or seen it lit, or even having thought it was there – I looked after it. I had no need for anyone else (mother or not) to check where it was or check it wasn’t setting anything on fire other than itself.  Mind you I have in the past got to the office/bar/just out and wondered did I switch off the iron, lock the back door, leave the car with the handbrake off.  But these were fleeting mild worries.  Nothing major went wrong.  Memory being an erratic tool.  These days. 

So it’s not forgetting whether the candle was lit that is the issue.  I suppose my exasperation at the question should probably be tempered with slightly more kindness at forgetfulness.  As I say memory is an erratic tool.  Who needs to ask where the burning candle – that they may or may not have lit is?  Surely you just go and look for it.  It can’t be far.  This isn’t a church with a whole wall of the things.  Or a film set or a stage.  It is a house.  There aren’t that many candles in the whole house, or even that many rooms in case you were wondering, that would mean finding the candle burning or otherwise that difficult.

So moving on from exasperation and not lifting my head from the book I was reading my rocking fossil responses (none well received) were:

“Wherever it was when you lit it.  It can’t walk unless you bought it a skateboard for its birthday.”

Swiftly followed by:

“I don’t care unless you burn the house down and then you will be homeless.  I will go and stay with one of my friends who won’t take you as you will be known as an arsonist. Forever.”

And then:

“As I am not getting up to look for the burning candle, I would get on and find it really quickly.  What if it broke the internet and you had to talk to me for the 7 days it will take to get it mended.  No TV, no laptop, phone, social media of any kind.  Just a pen and a piece of paper and lots of cleaning up of soot.”

That one worked beautifully.  The candle was found.  Hurray.  It was extinguished by the intrepid.

A rocking fossil will cope with fire or the threat of it’s imminent appearance.  Also flood, another question not to ring and ask a rocking fossil in a meeting is: “Where is the stop tap?”  And famine – rocking those wonderful supermarket things is a universal pleasure open to all generations.   You see that big building lit up on the corner with lots of cars outside.  That is one.   A supermarket.  Excellent for helping with famine.

It is stupid questions we slightly resent. Never say struggle with.  It’s not rocking to struggle. But if we can wring some humour from questions that shouldn’t be asked – then we rock.