Fossils will be absolutely fine when the ban on words comes in.  Having decided to ban words to make sure the citizens calm down and stop disagreeing with them and each other, the government have retired to the contemplation of their work.  Without words what in fact are they?  The government.  They can’t tell you now there are no words.

Why the ban?  Well we were all making such heavy weather of everything.  Debate and drilling down and being so terribly unpleasant.  All the time.  Particularly the opposition.  To everything.  So they scrapped them.  Words.  In one sweep.

The youth are bereft.  What price twitter now.  Characters are banned too.  No getting round the ban (which comes into force on Tuesday at 6pm) that way.  There will be no newspapers, more importantly no social media, no hashtags.  Well you can hashtag as much as you like but no word should be attached.  No radio, tv, no word opiates whatsoever.  You can put on a tv programme but no words.  So Strictly Come Dancing repeats with songs without words.  Cooking programmes without sound.  Wildlife without commentary.  Top Gear (or whatever they call it now) but no presenter.  And you switch on without knowing what is coming.  No TV page, or reviews, or PR intro. 

Music is fine, come on Radio 3, but there will be no telling which channel it is on the DAB list.  Classic FM too, no Simon Mayo though. Unless he starts playing the flute.  Tik Tok is fine.  Unbelievably I typed that sentence.  Websites – can’t find them without words.  WWW is also on the banned word list. 

Where now?

Fossils will be fine.  Good bottle of claret (Picpoul, Malbec, Whispering Angel) by the fire in favourite chair and a book.  Ah maybe not.  Won’t be able to tell what wine you are drinking from the bottle, as there will be no label.  And no books.  A drink and a chair then.  So far so good. And the pictures in your head. Memories if you like. Fine by me.  I can still see views from mountain tops, the Fulham Road in the 80s, innumerable beaches and remember the sunrise (and set) from many views, angles and parties. And I am excellent at appreciating wine by colour.  Inhale first to prepare.  Entertaining ourselves – we do that well.

But Fossils without words.  It doesn’t bear thinking of. Yes we will be fine.  But it is no way to live.  We have our limitations.  Fossils don’t unite.  They do not man barricades and have causes.  They like comfort, ease, and humour.  Their friends and poking gentle fun at the ridiculousness of modern life. They do not have solutions.  They slide gently sideways when the delegation to the authorities is collecting and polishing it’s best arguments.  Slide away and go out into the fresh air.  Well lunch would be nice.  Without a debate, without needing to rout the opposition. 

There will need to be an underground and no Peregrine I don’t mean the tube.  A movement. Perish the thought.  We can give in for a bit and watch strictly when we find it.  And nature programmes without Sir David’s dulcet tones.  But we miss the paper, the wine bottle label, books and my telephone calls to old friends.  We miss Clarkson on Sundays and Hugo Rifkind.  We did read all the other stuff, really we did.

We will need to have this ban overturned.  Or quietly ignore it until some activist does that for us.  Terrible us.  If a bi product of words is their misuse well isn’t that human.  Bi products and misuse are very human.  Look at the nuclear programme.  How will we be able to console ourselves with the thoughts that to err is human if we don’t have words.